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1:48 pm | Wednesday, Jan. 08, 2003
damn the computer and everything else Ok so I just finished drooling over the local electronics store flyer. Oooo, 52 inch wide screen HDTV... only $3 000. Of course the plasma TV is only $10 000, I mean who can't afford that. The drool also landed on the nice digital cameras and other neato computer components that I’ll never be able to afford. Frankly I’m leaning towards throwing this computer out the window lately. It’s gotten all sorts of quirks that don’t seem so fun. Little things, like for example for some reason it won't load the date for my entries anymore, I have to put it in myself. About two weeks ago it started loading a weird set up thing for the video card at start up. Now I get quick time loading up an icon on my taskbar at startup. I can't find any way to get rid of these things. Also I can't see the email link on my entry page. Hotmail keeps telling me my browser doesn't have JavaScript so the only way I can get to my hotmail is through the messenger. It omits strange things from WebPages or won't load certain things. Every time I try to use windows media player the computer freezes. Ok that's a not true, window media player 7 just gives me an illegal operations error whenever I try to use it and the older version freezes whenever I click on something else. I have no idea why this is. It’s starting to all add up to a major annoyance. I also tried to install my sister's Norton works for windows or whatever it's called, boy was that a nightmare. I think I did manage to get it off the computer though finally. I was able to check for viruses with the thing you use to check out your computer before you install the thing. I appear to be ok on that front, but who knows. I’m now scared to buy plain old Norton anti-virus though for fear of my computer exploding. The week has been going really well so far. Morrison seems fairly content being here and I’m pretty content having him here. The only problems we have encountered are when we have to decide what to eat. I never know what I want and he wants me to pick something. It’s a wee bit frustrating. I think we may muddle through though. Last night I managed to have a nice little break down for no reason though. I guess I have to have those every once in a while. I started crying for no reason and right in front of Morrison too. He wanted to know what was wrong and I couldn't tell him anything. He was rather at a loss as to what to do then. Eventually I got a hold on the tear problem and we read for a while. In general he seems to be more affectionate and caring lately. I don't know if this means anything except that we feel closer to each other. I think I look for meaning in things too much. I can say here what I was thinking about while I had my little break down though. I was thinking about my life and I suppose the shortness of it. I mean, without the enzyme I give myself ten years on the very outside probably five. I think I just have the same problems as everyone else though just intensified because I have a better of idea of how long I have on this earth. You could be hit by a bus tomorrow but you wouldn't have been planning for that. I worry that I’ll never be in love or have someone in love with me again. I worry that I won't be able to finish school and do anything productive with my life. What about getting married one day, having a job, a place of my own, maybe even kids? I don't want to miss out on everything that life has to offer when I know I could do so much and appreciate it and the people in it. People worry about that sort of thing all the time I think, I have the same worries probably. It’s just that I feel I’ve been set way back from the start line having physical and mental problems. Hell I can't even SEE the fucking starting line. Being ambitious with no energy is no fun. Do I just have to put my hopes and dreams down inside me somewhere and never think about them?
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This is my blogchalk:
Canada, Saskatchewan, Saskatoon, , English, , Female, 26-30, Reading.