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2:15 p.m. | April 12, 2002
it's a long entry to make up for yesterday or something like that i couldn't write yesterday because diaryland was all broken. i can't believe how much andrew apologizes when that happens, it's not like most of us even pay for the service. those of us who do don't even pay that much. if it goes down it goes down, don't be sorry for pete's sake, it's not like your poured iced tea on it. erm, sorry poison. anyway today i'm tired, i think i may skip physio because i want to catch up and be actually feeling good next week. of course i have another shrink appointment but i'm hoping it'll be much less tiring. i don't care too much though, right now my mental health is much more important to me than doing physiotherapy. i still do as much as i can but what i can't do they can stuff. i realize this probably isn't the best attitude but i don't want to have a good attitude about it right now. especially since people are starting to hint that i won't be home by the 26th, but we HOPE soon after. what the hell, i'm moving, not having a heart transplant. it can't take that much planning. last night they ran out of the high protein formula drink stuff i need. (resource diabetic it's called, no i'm not diabetic i just need low carbs). it's ridiculous, they've known for at least a week that they were down to the last box and for days that the box was almost empty. nobody ordered any more, so now they are in a panic because i'm out. you have to wait for someone competent to actually tell someone to order it and that only happened last night. so now it's a mad rush to see if they can find any in the city because it takes a week to get here once ordered. if they can't then we have to figure out what can replace it for a few days. the stupidity of this place just isn't surprising anymore, just very very frustrating. i ordered the johnny the homicidal maniac t-shirt i wanted. they didn't have any long sleeve ones which was slightly disappointing but i got it anyway. i think i'm done buying things for awhile. my mom pitches a fit whenever i get something in the mail that i paid for. "you bought more stuff!?" yes mom, i know how much money i have approximately and i hardly ever overspend. why this stresses her out when i get packages is beyond me. if i could go out more i'd go to bookstores or wal-mart or something and spend money. yesterday i got a letter in the mail from duke university (which is the university that is doing the enzyme trials, well last i heard anyway). i think i just about had an excitement attack of some sort. it turned out to be just someone else in canada who has the same condition as me making contact (actually it was his parents). this was rather disappointing and caused my dad to ask me what i was going to do if i didn't get into the enzyme trials this year (or whenever they start). i said i didn't know, and went over the reasons again that i'd probably be chosen. which really is just me blowing smoke because i have no idea if i will or not. but i have about all the hope possible resting on the chance. thinking about it later, "what if i don't get picked", was really really depressing. i think there will be some serious falling apart and i'm not sure how i'm going to pull back together. it will eventually come even if i don't get chosen, but my life seems to be seriously on hold while i'm waiting for it. people are asking me what i'm going to do or pushing me towards things and all i can think is wait wait, i can get better and do more than that though. in other words, what i really want to do. besides the fact that i could actually die waiting (i doubt it but a girl died last year of what i have and she was around my age). so i will keep playing the waiting game with everything i can possibly crossed, crossed, praying to every god i can think of and hoping and hoping and hoping.
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This is my blogchalk:
Canada, Saskatchewan, Saskatoon, , English, , Female, 26-30, Reading.