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3:23 p.m. | Wednesday, Sept. 25, 2002
Day Four Day Four: Sept. 20th Mental Note to Self: Never get mouthwash up your nose. Speaking of mental I'm not sure if I was all there last night. This place seems to bring out the worst sometimes. I ended up taking 2 Ativan, but I slept really well. I wish I could have slept in though, I get so tired. Half depression and three quarters my condition. I'm enjoying watching old TV shows and reading old comics. I read a big book in which Marvel comics collected the beginnings of many of it's superheroes. So many of them were created by radiation. Instead of cancer or death they get useful superpowers. It is so easy to see between good and bad, what is evil and what is right. I wish the world today were so simple. Nothing is black and white - it is all gray. Between history, economics, humanity, compassion and justice sometimes it's impossible to tell if there is a bad guy or just different degrees of wrongness. Trying to choose the lesser evil even gets tricky. Today the home health aid that gave me a shower the other night is coming over again. I don't remember the last time I had this many showers in a week. I wonder if I can hire her to do this at home. As it is she is doing this for me as a favor. It always amazes me when people do what they say they are going to. Especially when it is of no benefit to them. I keep dreaming about having an accessible shower and sink at home. I have all these plans in my head now to expand and renovate the downstairs bathroom. I have no idea if it would work, but I do know that there is no money for it. I also think about those people who offered to buy me an accessible home. I really wonder if it will happen. I know that I still have a lot of hope in the enzyme therapy but it seems like it is slipping further and further away all the time. I think I realize why I have been watching less and less TV all the time. My tolerance for the bullshit has gotten less. The commercials and the TV shows that say do this, buy that, you will have a great, perfect and wonderful life. I tend to chuckle ironically knowing that not one of their "suggestions" apply to me. Watching television shows with people my age running around living life knowing that I don't remotely fall into any stereotype that people might come up with. Not that this is necessarily a bad thing; I know that if I had "normal" physical strength I wouldn't be fitting into any one stereotype either. Maybe I�d be eclectic, intelligent and strange like Dharma or Phoebe. I would be free to be me at least instead of being shoved into the role of the weak freaky girl in the wheelchair. All the little things that work against me. The fatigue, depression, all over weakness, the respirator. The world is not built for my type, I don't seem to be built to be alive in this world. I'd rather watch a movie with someone's arms around me, stroking my neck or hair. That's not just me is it? *eats chocolate instead* Book: Choke Chuck Palahniuk
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This is my blogchalk:
Canada, Saskatchewan, Saskatoon, , English, , Female, 26-30, Reading.