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11:57 a.m. | April 15, 2002
i'm so fucked up I feel like total crap today, like someone puked me onto the floor. I�m tired and listless. I cancelled my shrink appointment since i don't think i have the energy to make it out the door. I finally took my pills, but i was afraid that they would make me throw up. It�s stupid I�m not sick, just mentally fubar. I don't know what I�m going to do with myself today. I�d rather just stay in bed and sleep and sleep and sleep. Wake me up when it's over. I should brush my teeth, which are always the first thing to be neglected when I�m depressed. It would give me something to do. Which reminds me that i still haven't been informed if I�m going to actually get a dentist's appointment or not. What the fuck is up with that? I only mentioned it a hundred times. People around here do not inspire confidence at all. I might wash my face too, see what kind of job they did on my hair... what is really appealing is cutting myself and watching the blood run into the sink. I should avoid that though. Cutting means really really bad shit is happening and then everyone gets worried and i don't need that sort of aggravation right now. I always look at the pills i have to take and know that if i took them all i would definitely be dead. Even if i just took all the sleeping pills and ativan. I wouldn't do it and i don't really want to, it's just nice to know they are there. Only one person knows where all my sharp things are, so if i do cut myself I�m going to have to hide one of them. He would take them away from me. I should ponder where to hide it just in case. I told James how much i was getting so depressed again. He told me "well at least you aren't so depressed that you are pissing in your pants." Har har James. Of course he then tried to cheer me up in his James-like way that usually works. Then i had to go to bed, but i needed more James time dammit. (Btw, the he mentioned above and James are not the same person). My leg was hurting yesterday and the day before exactly in the spot where i got the blood clot about a year ago. That made me really really nervous. It doesn't hurt today at all, which is a good thing. You can always tell you have a blood clot because it hurts like a motherfucker and does not stop hurting. So if it's ok today that i means i can stop worrying. I promise i will tell the doctor if it starts again. Honest. Even though I�m contemplating not speaking at all. Just not talking for a few days or a week or just waiting until i feel like it again. Of course, that would frustrate people and they wouldn't understand. More aggravation. So maybe I�ll just speak only as much as i absolutely have to. Should make shrink appointments interesting. That�s all i have to say for now. I�m going to listen to massive attack and hope they cheer me up.
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This is my blogchalk:
Canada, Saskatchewan, Saskatoon, , English, , Female, 26-30, Reading.