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9:55 p.m. | Monday, Jun. 17, 2002
bitch, bitch, bitch I can't tell if it's thundering outside or if it's just the cats running around upstairs. So I went to sherebrooke today and I mostly hated it. I�ve been in a shitty mood all day really. The day program there doesn't really have much to recommend it as far as I can tell. One of the physiotherapists that works there is a guy. That makes me really nervous. I�m never going there without pants again. I think the entire physio department could see my underwear. My tip for the day is don't exercise in shorts that aren't fitted to your body. You may as well wear a skirt. That and the fact that they keep the air conditioning on the winter setting. Physio also had trouble with transferring me. It always amazes me when people in this field have trouble moving me about. Isn�t this part of their job? In any case I was annoyed. After physio I sat in the place where everyone sits. It mostly looks like a place where old people meet to visit. I�m asking myself what's the point of going to sherebrooke at all if there is nothing there that I can't do at home. Except I suppose to get myself out of the house and give mom some sort of break. The time I�m there is the time that the home health aid comes to help me to the bathroom and the time I normally eat though. I think we need to figure something out about that. So basically, I hated it. It�s an institution and it can't hide that fact. Blah. The weekend went ok. The student is still here and I haven't run screaming into the streets yet. He starts school on Friday, which is good. On Saturday Morrison came over and he brought me a cheering up present. It was a DVD with all the massive attack videos on it. He�s such a sweetie. He can't stay overnight now though until my mom's friend leaves. This rather pisses me off because I really look forward to sleeping next to someone. My single bed is just way too small to squish into. The most important things to me right now are my mental health and my physical health, such as it is. As far as I�m concerned sherebrooke can go fuck itself. Physio takes a backseat to therapy and possibly having a bit of fun once in awhile. *gets out dictionary to look up the word fun* everyone wants me to do all this stuff. If I could do all of this, going out three times a week and all that, I could fucking go to school or something for fuck's sake. Mom threatened once to cut off my contact with Morrison if I didn't do my exercises the way I�m supposed to. I think I may have mentioned that before. I don't think she was entirely serious and blames my ex-fianc� in part for my stopping them before. In any case, it seems to me that they put more emphasis on what they think I should do and what they want than what I want. I�m so goddamned tired from today and I think I overdid it. I knew going out would do that. I tried to explain it, but I was pushed out the door anyway. I feel that if people keep pushing me I�ll just end up staying in bed and not caring about anything. It seems childish and a stupid way to rebel. Even my shrink said I should view the exercise as a way to help myself. I don't view it that way. I think of how hard I worked at parkridge and the incredibly small gains I got. I think about other people trying to control my life (and that's how I view sherebrooke basically, more people controlling my life). I want control of my own life but if I had it I don't know what I could possibly do with it. There are so many obstacles, being in a wheelchair, being fatigued easily... power for the respirator, transportation. It�s a fucking nightmare. I�m tired of fighting for anything I need and I�m tired of not getting anything I want. Awww fuck. I had a bladder infection all week which i may have mentioned. The anti-biotics caused a yeast infection. Fun stuff I have to tell you. I did one treatment for it but it didn't work. I figure i have to wait for me to be off the anti-biotics for it to clear up. Somebody shoot me. Book: Dragon Prince Melanie Rawn
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This is my blogchalk:
Canada, Saskatchewan, Saskatoon, , English, , Female, 26-30, Reading.