|
12:24 p.m. | Tuesday, Jul. 23, 2002
you never have the worst day when you are expecting it I hate when my dreams taunt me. I dreamt about my ex-boyfriend last night. It was about 3 dreams that were the same just with different endings. For some reason they took place at my old high school. I never even knew he existed when I was in high school. Apparently he was looking for me. In the first one he started yelling at me, for what I�m not sure and I just walked away and went into a corner and started to cry. The second one he found me and was pleading with me about something, I�m not even sure what. He wanted me back I guess, or something bad had happened. He ended up crying on my shoulder. The third one he had written down a whole bunch of stuff in my little notebook. That his best friend had died and he was sad and there were song lyrics and a poem. All this weird stuff, in the dream I was stunned and almost in tears. He was just looking at me and I don't know exactly what he wanted even. I think I started to cry and he hugged me. What the fuck is all this about? This guy was a drug addict and an alcoholic; he dumped me so he could spend more time with his drinking buddies and Jack Daniels. Tons of ridiculous stuff happened, like he moved in with a good friend of mine and then broke up with me. (It wasn't a romance thing, she had a boyfriend at the time.) They had parties though and I was never invited because it would be awkward going to hang out with my friend with her friends and my ex-boyfriend and his friends there. It was a fucking mess. Anyway, I dream that he is looking for me and needs me. Why why why???? I don't need this shit. My dream emotions always bleed over into real life and it'll take days for this to fade. Bugger all. I think I got just about some of the worst news in my life today. I�m not sure if what I read means what I think it means. I�ve been hoping to get into clinical trials for enzyme replacement therapy. It apparently is effectively a cure and would give me back energy I never really had and hopefully my muscles would become strong again. However, I looked on their web page today and it said enrollment completed for that clinical trial. I think that means that they've picked everyone and I�m not one of the ones they chose. I feel like just curling up and dying. I tried not to get my hopes up, but it was impossible not to. This is my dream, the ultimate dream. To be CURED. I emailed one of the chicks at the pharmaceutical company that works with the patients to ask what it meant and if there were going to be more trials, when is the enzyme going to be ready, that sort of thing. I�m trying to hold back the tears until I hear back. I�ve been waiting for this forever it seems. What am I going to do if I can't have it? God. I was pretty much counting on this. To give me a life. Fuck me.
|
|
|
This is my blogchalk:
Canada, Saskatchewan, Saskatoon, , English, , Female, 26-30, Reading.