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5:56 p.m. | Tuesday, Oct. 15, 2002
and so on I think that lately I�ve been focusing a lot on the things I used to be able to do. When I first fell and couldn't walk I always assumed it was temporary but after three years it's not so temporary anymore. I never put myself in the same category as people who were permanently disabled because I was always hoping about the enzyme and rehab to fix me. So far rehab has failed and the enzyme seems farther and farther away. I remember what I used to be able to do like standing at the kitchen counter and washing the dishes. To be able to walk to the bathroom myself or stand in the shower and wash my own hair. When something needs to be cleaned up and I feel I should be helping and all I can do is just sit there and watch, which is frustrating to the point of tears. I miss wearing nice clothes instead of always choosing for comfort. Even sweat pants leave red marks and painful places on my skin sometimes. I don't like wallowing in self-pity. It makes me hate myself more that I can be that weak. I wish I could find a way to make myself feel productive and useful. It�s so difficult when you have weakness, depression and extreme fatigue working against you. It�s hard to pull up your socks when you don't remember how. The strike continues, so my shrink is still not around and apparently now ambulance workers and library workers are on strike too. It�s gotten crazy. All major surgery is cancelled; people can't get rehab or counseling at all. I heard that chemotherapy might have to be cancelled (I�m not sure if it is though). It�s insane for people who need these services badly and can't get them. I can survive fairly well without my shrink but my uncle is on strike and he counsels really troubled kids (those who have been abused and such). I feel so sorry for them. Plus all physical therapy, occupational therapy and things like that aren't around either. It�s just madness.
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This is my blogchalk:
Canada, Saskatchewan, Saskatoon, , English, , Female, 26-30, Reading.