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12:25 p.m. | Wednesday, Jan. 15, 2003
a very long entry, just to warn you I said I wouldn't mention it again, but apparently I lied. I just have to say that I never expected (on the third day of it being around even) this much attention. I have been linked by the famous Uncle Bob and of course because of this my hits have skyrocketed into places unknown before on this diary. I�m a little bit overwhelmed, as I never expected anything like that to happen. I�d just like to thank everyone who has donated so far and to everyone who has taken the time to read my biography and diary. I�m a little bit on the astonished side. Now back to regular programming. I thought that the novelty for my cat Salinger would wear off eventually. We have had the fish tank since November and you'd think he would have calmed down about it. The opposite has occurred. He is more interested in them and I think he spends more time staring at them and batting at the tank than he ever did. It�s funny to watch. He really likes the black goldfish and the algae eaters a lot. I�m not sure if it's because they stand out more for him or not. In any case every once in a while I hear a fish jump and I know that Salinger has startled one of them. I don't think it's stressing them out too much though because they also follow him from one side of the tank to the other. It�s a very strange relationship. I was thinking about the dreams I�d been having lately. Especially the ones in which I end up longing for fictitious people. I was wondering why this was and what it was about these men that made me feel so strongly about them that the feelings lasted into waking life. I came to the conclusion that it's not the men that are what is causing these feelings it is who I am in the dreams that makes me long for them. I think I get a glimpse of the person I want to be in these dreams. I get to be outgoing and interesting, maybe even beautiful. I�m not burdened by mental or physical illness (at least not as much) and I can be independent. It�s hard to describe and sometimes I think the ideas are magnified, possibly to a way I would never act even if I could walk around, but it is a glimpse of who I perceive as ME. It�s hard to explain even who that person is, and I�m not sure I�m making sense. I just know that I�m sad to come away from these dreams and the life inside of them to the one I�m living in reality. As for my computer fiasco I guess I should explain a bit more as to what happened. I got a virus (possibly more than one, but one of them disappeared on it's own I think, weird I know. Also if you got an email from me with an attachment, don't open it!) and I was looking for a way to get rid of it because at the moment I don't have anti-virus software. I downloaded a free anti-virus program that a friend of mine recommended. I had to restart the computer after I installed it but when I did the computer wouldn't let me use any files that ended in .exe. That proved to be a bit of a problem. I started the computer in safe mode somehow (I don't know to do that actually, it just happened) and did a scan. That identified the virus but did not fix anything. I thought that was the end of what I could do for my infected computer. Then when I restarted it once more I tried to get into the virus checking program, for some reason it worked (I was sure I had tried this before) and I was able to take the isolated files out of isolation. I figured that at least then I could use the computer, even though it was infected. I talked to the same friend again and he found me a way to clean my computer with a program called stinger. It deleted these isolated files and I was worried because they were in the windows/system folder. He said no don't worry those are bullshit files put in by the virus. I counted to ten and then said it would have been nice to know that earlier and I wouldn't have had any problems. Then I silently forgave him as he helped me get the virus off my computer in the first place. So I�m ok now, I just have the weird quirks from before and today I�m having a computer guy come over and (hopefully) fix them for me. That�s my story and I�m sticking to it. Ok so I have this dilemma now. My mom was talking to the psychiatric nurse on the phone about the light therapy (the nurse is the one in charge of the program) and together they talked about these new light bulbs that my mom bought (someone mentioned them in my guest book as well). Apparently during the conversation they figured out that four of these bulbs in my room all day would be enough light for light therapy itself. Also, they came to the conclusion that it would be very hard to tell if I actually have Seasonal Affective Disorder. So, I thought I should tell everyone this because I didn't want to be deceptive about what I might need the donation money for. I may not need it for a light therapy lamp now. However, there are other expenses that do crop up from my having other physical and mental problems. Over the years my parents have had to renovate the house, put in a lift, replace carpet with linoleum, buy expensive equipment, etc for me to be able to live at home. I�m not sure exactly what I will do with the donations now that I don't have a specific item however, it will come in handy for me for the types of things I need in everyday life. Also, considering the problems I�ve been having with this computer the money might go towards getting a new one. I�m not sure about this yet, however, if you have any objections to this and have already donated feel free to ask for a refund. I just thought I should be up front about this because it's not my money I�m using.
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This is my blogchalk:
Canada, Saskatchewan, Saskatoon, , English, , Female, 26-30, Reading.