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4:59 p.m. | Saturday, Mar. 29, 2003
i'm nobodies angel Sometimes I feel like the girl in that picture, like I should have "I�m sorry" written on my forehead. I didn't mean to fall in love, I didn't mean to be scarred emotionally, I�m sorry I can't be what you want me to be, I didn't mean to be useless. I always blame everything on myself in the end. Sometimes I�m amazed I�m still sane. I even blame myself for feeling sorry for myself. Shouldn't I be able to pull myself out of this and be more independent the way people suggest I could? Depression might be a crutch in the end or is it really holding me back? Anxiety is only cured by doing what makes you feel anxious. Even the pills aren't magic. I don't know if I mentioned but we have two Asian students (one Korean, one Chinese) living with us until June. They are both guys, one is 23 and the other is 28. Their English isn't too bad but I believe the Chinese one speaks better English than the Korean guy. They have been here over a week and I haven't met either of them yet. Mom felt the need to send one of them down to my room when she called to hand me the phone. He scared me to death. I hate when she does that. I don't want to have any contact with them if it can be avoided and the last thing I want is either of them in my room. I don't like my space invaded. I was worried when the students arrived about that new virus SARS, but it apparently has become global anyway. I�m worried about that, if I got it I would definitely die. Ontario already has an emergency going on about it. I suppose living in a less populated area might have it's advantages in this case. However any thoughts of a trip to New York are out now, it would be a needless risk to expose myself to that many people and international air travel. I don't know if you've noticed (and if you talk to me regularly at all you probably have) but I have a terrible memory. I�m not sure why that is. It started when I got very sick the first time and I forgot the summer before when my sister and I took a holiday together to visit relatives. After much reminding I finally recalled most of it, but it took a long time. That leads me to believe that the memory is there it's just not connected to other things so I can recall it. Ever since then I�ve had trouble with memory, especially for names and events. I think part of it is the days blend together so much, but that can't be all of it. It worries me that it could be caused my a lack of oxygen, maybe I�m not getting enough? When my saturation levels are tested they are always way up though. Another possibility is that it's my condition directly. The brain uses glucose to work and I can't get stored glucose from my body. I wonder if a lack of glucose to the brain could cause memory problems. Sometimes when I feel fuzzy I drink some juice and I feel better. I haven't heard anything in the research about this except with another slightly similar type of condition. I just can't believe that on my own my memory is this bad.
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This is my blogchalk:
Canada, Saskatchewan, Saskatoon, , English, , Female, 26-30, Reading.