12:11 p.m. | Wednesday, May. 21, 2003

rant rave storm bugger

I got an email today and it's disturbed me. Damn I hate that.

It was from someone who was going to donate but then saw that I had been out to the movies and bought clothes on eBay. She felt that if I could spend money in those frivolous ways then I didn't need any from her. Which is fine, if you don't want to donate, don't. It's your own free will if you do or don't. However, I don't like being made to feel bad for going to two matinee movies for the first time since Lord of the Rings (that's December by the way) and buying clothes for the first time in three years. Just because our family is struggling with medical costs doesn't mean (in my opinion) that I should lock myself in the closet and never spend money on anything for myself again. I'll tell you, I don't get out much and I don't spend a lot of money. I don't go out for coffee (last time was um, hmmm, over 5 years ago I think), nor meet people for lunch, when I budget for Christmas gifts it's 3 months in advance. I go shopping very rarely and when I do I have planned (and saved) for it for 2 months so if I see anything I like I can actually buy it. This family doesn't order out and doesn't go out to dinner very often, or buy expensive things all the time. I don't want to feel that I have to justify how I spend my money (the entire $85 a month) to people so they'll feel good about giving me some of theirs. I'll tell you something else, I spend most of my days here in my room, in front of my computer (which I got about 3 years ago, used, for $200 and I fricking saved up and paid for it myself.) I get books from the library and hardly ever buy them. I take books to the used bookstore and trade them. Dammit to hell. Shall I sell my books collection, pawn my ring and all the other things I have which might be luxuries? I don't think so, because frankly if I did that I would end up staring at the wall all day. People sometimes need nice things or an outing to stay sane. To be happy (or a reasonable immitation of happy).

I'm fucking pissed off now, can you tell? I think the reason is that I do feel bad asking people for money when others are worse off and I feel guilty that sometimes I can buy myself something I want and feel good about it. I can make myself feel guilty about these things and beat myself up, but be damned if Iím going to let someone else do it. Now if you will excuse me, my stomach tube has leaked all over my shirt and I need to clean it up.

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Female/26-30. Lives in Canada/Saskatchewan/Saskatoon/, speaks English and  . Spends 60% of daytime online. Uses a Fast (128k-512k) connection. And likes Reading.
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Canada, Saskatchewan, Saskatoon, , English, , Female, 26-30, Reading.