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3:23 p.m. | Monday, Aug. 16, 2004
so like yeah I was going to write about something much more fun today, but my day has blown that possibility out of the water. I got some information from the University of Calgary about the enzyme study. Every word in that information package scared the hell out of me. I don't know why, but they do emphasize what could go wrong as opposed to what could go right. I know it's a standard thing and they have to let you know about all the possible risks, including that it might not work. It totally freaked me out; I am terrified of this whole thing. Simply terrified. I can't describe why or what exactly is freaking me out, but I can definitely say that I am freaked out. Also, my mom talked to this guy in charge of funding travel expensive for people that have to travel for medical treatments. He said that they don't pay if the medical treatment is "experimental". He didn't really end off on a negative note about it and so we aren't sure at all if my travels to Calgary will be paid for. I have to go there every two weeks to get an infusion of the enzyme. We obviously can't afford to pay for the plane travel. I might have to move to Calgary in that case. I guess we shall see. I got my "annual review" from social services today. I fucking hate it. They make you justify everything. It makes me feel like a failure, they ask about your assets, property, cash, etc. I have none of these things. I'm not supposed to have any of them either. I got this questionnaire type thing asking me about my goals, about jobs I've had, training, all that shit. Do the words "permanent disability" not penetrate their retarded brains?? I hate being treated like someone who could be working if I just got myself together. Fuck them! I should not be treated that way and neither should anyone else with a permanent disability. I was really pissed off over it. To top it all off there was an appointment I'm supposed to go to in with all that, which is scheduled for the day after tomorrow. I had to phone and tell them that I can't go because the time is right when home care comes to get me out of bed and if they want to reschedule they will have to make it for the afternoon. I hate when people make plans like that without asking me first, is this ok for you. I realize that's standard procedure or whatever, but fuck. I'm not some asshole on welfare that should be working, shirking the appointments and shit. I need this and have to be on it and there are circumstances way beyond my control around the reasons I need it. So would a little courtesy be too much to ask?! Fuck. Home care couldn't find anyone who had been here before so they sent a stranger. By this time I've read over the stuff from the university about the enzyme therapy and my hands are shaking and I've read over the forms from social services and I'm fucking pissed off. I couldn't stand this woman touching me. I was having a frustrated, crying, full blown, I can't handle anything at all anxiety attack. I didn't completely freak out, but I was a millimeter away from it. Now I'm up. I took an Ativan, so mostly I just feel angry. Pretty soon I'll just be wrung out. So, like... Yeah.
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This is my blogchalk:
Canada, Saskatchewan, Saskatoon, , English, , Female, 26-30, Reading.