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4:55 p.m. | March 14, 2002
it's just too much, it really is i'm angry at everything right now. i think i'm going insane. sometimes i feel good and my mood is even, but right now i could smash things. (honestly the tv isn't helping by playing an advertisement for polka music, what the fuck?) i did get two books from the book fair today but the jazz cd collection i wanted was all out. mom bought me the books, one is a cat encyclopedia and the other is by shel silverstien. good buys i thought. in any case that sort of made me happy. i'm hungry though, maybe the anger is blood sugar related. that and things are just sucking. my options of course are home (with my parents) and parkridge(where i am now), both with good and bad points. it's like if you take this you can't have that. it's driving me absolutely to sobbing. plus the social worker here is apparently insane. that doesn't help in the least. she keeps telling us all this crap she can think of that will help when she has to know damn well that none of that will help. if she doesn't know it, she fucking well should. we've been through most of it before, when i was in the hospital for 13 months for no good reason other than the government didn't have anywhere else to put me. i hate not being able to take care of myself and i hate the crap you have to go through when other people take care of you. it's just over and over and i'm not sure how much longer i can take it. i hear the psych ward at the hospital really sucks though. plus i'd lose all the work i've done with physio so far. no option seems like a good option; i'm still stuck in the same rock and hard place i've been in for the past 2 and a half or 3 years. i can't stand the guilty look on my dad's face when he sees how really terrible this place is and the things i have to put up with. he's gone from home so much with his job he can't do anything about it. it just makes me cry. my mom had a nervous breakdown last year and now here we are starting all over again and her mom just died. can't we have a break from the shit just for awhile? last night my ex-fiance called, he's moving out of the apartment he shared with the chick he was going out with. apparently he's very happy and had to phone again to share this with me. stop calling me so damn much dammit!! espcially to tell me you are happy. because frankly when you left me, you abandoned me to the hospital for 13 months. i'm a little bitter about that. i try not to be, it's better i didn't marry him. i don't even have any idea of wanting him back. but i don't want to hear how great his life is going that much really. also the person i had over last night told me i wasn't being very friendly. i felt really bad about that. i mean, i really like him alot and i don't want to start alienating my friends because i'm frustrated and insane. i just don't know what to do anymore and nobody has a solution or even wants to help.
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This is my blogchalk:
Canada, Saskatchewan, Saskatoon, , English, , Female, 26-30, Reading.