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12:40 p.m. | May 27, 2002
i hate everyone today I hate everyone and everything today. Isn�t that lovely. My mom's hip has started to hurt so she can't lift me. So I have to use the sling all the time, it was an absolute nightmare. In actual fact there were two home care people to do the bath today because one of them was training the other. It took an hour and a half to have a bath and get dressed and brush my teeth. They were in fact here for almost 2 hours. I was almost crying by the end. I feel like screaming until I�m dead. I want to be dead; I can't do this shit everyday. The sling brings your knees right up to your chest so if there is anything in your bladder at all it squeezes it out. So there is urine in my underwear. It�s a beautiful feeling let me tell you. I�m also sitting crooked in my chair because it's impossible get back far enough and straight in the wheelchair using the sling. We still haven't tried that other lift I mentioned, I hope to god it works or I swear I�m killing myself. I can't do this all the time I just can't. You can't have all your dignity gone, you can't have simple hygiene go out the window and you can't take a half an hour just to go pee. I refuse to do it, I�d rather be dead. I don't know how things are going to work for physio because mom has to transfer me onto the bed for it and I�m not getting back into that sling again you can't fucking make me. There is someone in town that has the same lift as we are trying out and her husband is going to come over tonight to show us how to use it. It better work or I�m going to be a very very unhappy camper. I just can't handle it. I�m so depressed anyway; I don't ever know what I want to do with myself. Do I want to play a game on the computer, do I want to read a book, watch a movie? I have no idea. Am I hungry? Couldn�t tell you. Everything is wrong, bad. I don't know what to do with myself. Off the tangent here, my mom was mentioning to one of her sister's that she was tired because I wake her up in the middle of the night sometimes. I wake her up to turn because the position I�m in has become painful. Her wonderful sister the nurse said, well maybe you should put her on painkillers. Ooooooh, great idea! I can become a zombie and be addicted to drugs. It�s happy thought. I�m crying and my eyes are stinging like crazy. I think it's because the moisturizer I put on my face has run into my eyes. No more moisturizer on my eyelids. I don't think I can do physio today. Can you do physio while you are crying and raging uncontrollably? I could take ativan to even me out but I don't even want to do that. What�s the point? Drugs to mask how I feel. Fuck fuck fuck. Put me out of my misery. Pretty please. Yesterday the phone rang and it was just Morrison and I at home. I said I wasn't going to answer it and I don't care who it is. Then I thought about it and there was no one on the planet I wanted to talk to or hear from. Nobody. At the time I thought it was sad. Now I just don't give a crap. There is still nobody I want to hear from. Not even Morrison, because I can't even explain why I�m so upset.
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This is my blogchalk:
Canada, Saskatchewan, Saskatoon, , English, , Female, 26-30, Reading.