4:50 p.m. | May 29, 2002 james and me in a conversation This is a conversation I had with my friend James. It says a lot of things I want to say or have said already. It says a few fucked up things and doesn't always make sense. It is also heavily edited for content I don't feel is relevant at this time. It was a very bad day (Monday 27th) and I was crying throughout the whole thing. The guy I�m sleeping with is obviously Morrison and some of the stuff I said about our relationship is true. However I think it would be true of any relationship right now whether sex is involved or not. I don't want to end anything with him and he does make me happy for the time he is with me. I don't question my decision at all to be with him. I figure I should say that for me and for the people who read this diary, including him. Dain: yeah it's a bad day what else? are you seeing anyone? how badly does life, in fact, suck? always want more don't we epinephrine: so are you wanting to piss me off or depress me or are you hoping I've finally snapped and trying to incite me to go up there and mutilate your corpse after I kill you in some twisted and original way or what? Dain: that's probably it epinephrine: that was multiple choice Dain: i am aware of that epinephrine: you have to pick one or fill in the blank Dain: no i don't i can pick them all if i want i'm in that sort of mood, having that sort of day, my head is that fucked up epinephrine: well don't fuck up mine just because you want company Dain: i feel like complete shit at the moment not that i have anything to say or anything to do epinephrine:masturbate Dain: i had sex yesterday i don't need to epinephrine: well screw you then Dain: yeah yeah i'm still lonely if that makes you feel any better you know because in the beginning it's really great and crap and of course after 5 months in parkridge i'm more fucked up than i was but after 6 months maybe you want more except you don't know if you want more because you just want something (anything) to change or you really do want more. he's not yours he's just this friend that you sleep with sometimes and maybe he cares about you somewhat but you don't think it's nearly enough and what if you he did care about you that much would you end up dependant on each other again and you don't want that so you are sad when he leaves but maybe a bit glad it's another week til you seem him again and it's a slow monotonous week that you hate and even if he did care about you and he didn't become dependant on you you aren't sure that you could even handle anything like a relationship it's driving you crazy it's better than being completely alone because if you told him any of this or all of it or told him you couldn't deal with it, that's where i'd be, completely and totally alone epinephrine: but you probably do feel as if you're cheating yourself a little Dain: i am cheating myself but there is nobody else he's a really nice guy and he treats me good so i'm not cheating myself to the point of abuse or anything that's a thin good point but there it is it's funny but i've been out more with this guy than any so called boyfriends really epinephrine: dependence is avoided by getting a life of your own, in whatever form you can find. Just so you know. for lots of people it's work, for others it's play. whatever. Dain: i know it's a toss up between life and physio right now apparently i've chosen physio i have someone come in to do physio three times a week then i go to the shrink once a week, i haul myself out of the house about 3 times a month to go to a movie this is my life i have to fit in their somewhere half an hour on my exercise machine after the 3 months that physio has agreed to come in then i have to find a way to do it myself and right now that option is going to an institution to get half an hour of physio up to 3 times a week, which i won't be able to do, plus they want me their half days cause it's a �day program" right now i have to go to bed at 9:30 at night because that's the time home care will come in and the supervisor that could change this to 10:30 which is the normal time won't do it possibly in order to piss off my mom it's ridiculous my life revloves around stuff i don't want to do and people i hate sounds like a job epinephrine: yeah pretty much Dain: but it's not indepedant in any way at all so i'm depressed and frustrated i'm also living with my parents, not independent i have no money bleh i'm depedance incarnated i realize that being the way i am isn't the reason i'm completely this way i was this way before just not as bad but it sure as hell doesn't help and if i quit the physio to do something i really want to do well then all the hard work goes to waste Previous | Next

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Canada, Saskatchewan, Saskatoon, , English, , Female, 26-30, Reading.