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7:36 p.m. | Monday, Apr. 21, 2003
it's a long over due entry or maybe it's just long I've had a busy past few days, busy for me anyway. On Wednesday I went shopping, on Saturday we went to my grandmother's for Easter dinner and last night we had company over. For some reason I think I did something on Friday but I have no idea what it was. Maybe my sister came over. In any case I haven't updated in a while so I figure I should get some writing done. Shopping on Wednesday was great. I hadn't been to the mall to buy things for myself in quite some time. The fact that I finally had a working battery to go with the respirator was very nice. I didn't have to worry about batteries running out or me getting short of breath. It was also the first outing with the electric wheelchair and it did very well. I didn't mow anyone down or anything. I bought a new nightgown (very cute), a pair of pants (I desperately need new clothes), an electronic dictionary (I wanted that for when I�m reading in bed and things, paper ones are very cumbersome), a new watch (a bit more stylish than the sports one I have that needs to be fixed), and a mother's day present for my mom. I love shopping, but only if I have money to spend. Otherwise it seems depressing. The only thing I don't like about going out is that people tend to stare at me. They will even walk slightly backwards or look back for a while at me when they walk by. It�s incredibly obvious, though I don't notice it as much as the people with me. I feel like I should be handing out autographed pictures sometimes. There is nothing wrong with looking at someone because they are a bit different, but there is no need to stare for minutes at a time. At one point we went by these two guys, who were sitting together, about three times because they were kind of in a juncture of three hallways in the mall. Every time we did they were looking at us and laughing. I�d like to have stopped and asked them what was so fucking funny but honestly they were a bit scary looking and I�m timid as a mouse in person when it comes to strangers. The last bizarre incident took place when I was waiting for the bus with my sister. A woman came up to us and said she needed help because she was bleeding. One glance at her and you could determine that she wasn't bleeding anywhere obvious and she seemed a bit out of it. Drunk or mentally disabled maybe, I have no idea. She said something else I didn't hear but from that my sister figured that a) she wanted money and b) by bleeding she meant she was having a period. It was really weird. I don't know about you but if I found myself alone at a mall and found myself having a heavy period the LAST thing I�d be doing is telling strangers about it hopes of a donation. Besides I think most bathrooms have the twenty-five cent vending machine where you can get yourself a tampon or pad. If worse comes to worse a wad of paper towel or toilet paper will do in a pinch before you get home. You meet some very odd people downtown that's all I can say. The next day I was totally knackered. I slept in until about 2pm I think. Part of that was starting on some new sleeping pills. I had a headache most of the night from withdrawal from the old pills and probably getting used to the new ones. I had the headache most of the day after I got up as well. I didn't feel like I could do anything at all until Friday. I only had the headache for a while in the morning too. It makes me wonder how I think I�m going to be able to go to school though if 3 hours at the mall totals me for the next day. I figure I�ll only be taking one class and going twice a week, but that's still so much more than I�m used to. I hate to think I'm setting myself up for failure. That reminds me I need to call the university this week to re-register and talk to the office for students with disabilities about services and funding. I hope things go well; I�m excited as well as anxious about going back. I really want to succeed this time. People who can handle life and the things that are normally expected in society make me so jealous sometimes. I know I have the brains to do it, I�ve just been set back in the doing nothing category by my body. Having a lack of strength as well as extreme fatigue really takes away the options that would otherwise be open. I wish I had my own money to buy the extras that so many people take for granted. I did go shopping last week but those things I bought represent about 2 months of extra money that I get. I won't be renting movies or going to them, going out for lunch, buying coffee or anything for awhile. When people talk about going shopping and spending money or their houses, kids, cars, school, life, vacations I feel like there is so much I�m missing out on. It�s very frustrating to watch everyone else move on while I�m stuck in the same place. It is amazing to watch people who are happy and full of energy with a positive attitude about life looking forward to a future. I hardly ever look towards the future because I don't know how bad off I�m going to be in the next year or month. I don't know if I�ll ever finish school or get married or even have a job. I have been thinking lately more about dying and when it will happen to me. It seems closer all the time or at least more possible. I�m at the age where most people with my condition are expected to live until and so maybe I feel like I�m on borrowed time. I want to be able to have fun and feel fulfilled for the remaining years I have I just don't know how to do that. Besides, without a job or steady income I can't do things that a person would normally do if they didn't have a long time left. What I really wish is that I had some good friends around to help me experience life. I have Morrison and my sister but sometimes I think I need more support than that. I'm not sure exactly what I need really. Does anyone else know?
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This is my blogchalk:
Canada, Saskatchewan, Saskatoon, , English, , Female, 26-30, Reading.