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7:18 p.m. | Thursday, May. 22, 2003
depression rears it's ugly black head and strikes I'm depressed again lately and I don't know what happened that caused this emotional turn for the worse. I'm so depressed again I feel ill. I'm bored all the time and I don't know why. What did I do before? I feel worthless, guilty and I hate myself. I feel like everything I've ever done I should be punished for, that I don't deserve anything I have and nobody loves me. I'm a burden and a failure. I feel like I don't want to live anymore. Not that I want to commit suicide, but that I don't want to feel this anymore, I don't want to live this way, but I can't see my way out. These are all classic signs of major depression and I can see them coming and feel it getting worse. What I can't see is how to get out of it, what to do about it. I feel like I live more life in my dreams than I ever do in waking life. I can't figure out how to make myself be happier. I can think of a bunch of things I want to do but they all take people and/or money that I don't have. Material things are always my quick fix, give me a momentary boost but then it fades away like a drug. I have school to look forward to in the fall, but honestly I�m scared as hell that I'm going to fail miserably. I don't think I could take that failure. I tell myself that if I survived six months at Parkridge I could survive 8 months of school and it's something I want to do. Somebody heal me
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This is my blogchalk:
Canada, Saskatchewan, Saskatoon, , English, , Female, 26-30, Reading.